Fear and Youth in America.

Fear is the heart of ignorance. Fear is when I'm in the shower, the forceful hot water pouring over my hair and skin, wishing I'd only be this much taller, wishing my face looked this much better. Fearing if I don't exhibit these things I won't be the object of admiration? No, that I won't be taken as seriously and loved by the culture in which I am born into. As I type this up, I feel that despite the indifference of the people, and the obstacle, that I can, if determined and and resilient, but most of all, MOTIVATED, that I, one person, one teenage boy, can find that sense of belonging that better enables me to discover and carry out my nature.

The arrogant mediocracy, the angry voices, and the violence has drowned my inner dialogue. Where does the angst of youth come from? That FUCK YOU to the world? It comes from the giant collage of what could be, should be, and anxiously what is not yet discovered by the teenager. My young gay mind would perhaps be better off without the black or white ideals of the gay MAN. The gay teenage boy is more often that not depicted as a skinny sissy boy. Or, the gay teenage boy is an athletic jock with striking features. I am informed by porn that makes me feel inferior. A topic a boy my age is inevitably educated about.

So, as I have lied on the floor in despair, with not enough energy to walk downstairs to swallow the whole medicine cabinet plus my mother's prescription medications for the final breathe, the emergency exit, I have felt the agony of torment. Tormented that I am not valuable, and cannot be, as I am a physical reflection of my arrogant parents whose lives only matter to them and other arrogant people who do not contribute to or respect the world they live in. This is when I realize and re-play again that it isn't how valuable you are, its what makes you valuable, your purpose, your nature. And I'm stickin' around for this show until it ends itself.

The past generations (circa 1950s) were so patriotic, if you asked a room full of teenage boys who would fight for their country, you would probably see twice as many raised hands than you would now. We live in the age of the internet, of technology. Are they even teaching kids how to tell time anymore? Work doesn't equal money to my generation as much as it did THEN. And for us young people, what is there to do but have more free time and oppurtunity to criticize ourselves and live up to these American TV ideals?

I don't say fuck you or WAKE UP to the ideals themself, as its the people who give them life. I say fuck you and WAKE UP to the kids, to the people, that it is so valuable to. False misjudgements of what is value has, and will continue to, sink my generation's sense of worth and responsibility!

Remember hearing about the Columbine shootings? I was 5 years old then. Now I am 16 years old on December 30th, 2010. I was born in the year 1994. And look how homicide has now turned to suicide. Better of worse, either way, the condition of America's youth must be recognized. The teenager will always be scared, but we can reassure them and set better examples for them! For me, for us! They are, we are, I am the future.