There lived something peculiar in my adolescent mind, something suspicious in my boyhood, that I wasn't quite prepared to admit to myself at the tender age of 12, let alone to someone else if there had been anyone, though like everything we disavow, we still breathe an evanescent life into it every now and then...Being gay, we are all more conscious of ourselves and that we're somehow different then what's expected. And at the age of 16, which to my dismay is quickly coming to an end, after many changes and dramatic growth spurts, I admit something I would assume so many gay men do at some point in their life. I shine the light on every dark crevice hiding in the shadows of my consciousness. And I will not subsidize the manifestation of what every boy, gay or straight, needs, to subsidize the psychology of what may or may not be the fine line between perversion and the common relationship between men and boys that has always been.
We all need men in our lives. Why do the gay youth of today REALLY feel aloof and take their lives? Maybe they're lacking fathers, maybe they don't know their place. They may search in the wrong place to find darkness, and fall victim to hurt by the hands of the wrong men. To be an isolated gay youth without a family or 'place' intact, is to be a marble bouncing around in an anxious cycle. My attraction to older men struck an anxiety in me that was drawn from the mistrust of that concept. Knowing better, not to search for and act on impulse in the wrong places at the wrong times, I let it live on its own. Now, I see it in me, waiting to be articulated. And that's just what this is for. These words are not waiting to be validated by someone else who experiences the same thing. At least now, I can say it. I can describe the way men were seen from my eyes, and the way it was so repressive to have to keep it in the dark. What was so confusing was that I didn't know whether or not to see other males as 'players on the same team' or the object of my affection. They're both, and that's what confuses the roles of lovers and fathers and friends, all men and boys...I'm attracted to older men who signify 'fathers', and that's one of the most common sexual manifestations of gay culture.
No conclusion is to be drawn from this at the moment, just a very simple discovery, and the chance to finally be a son. Not from the people I was born into, who never had me as their son anyway, but the family I come together with on my own. The family I dreamed of for 16 years. Grateful I don't have to search in all the wrong places, and go another 16 to 20 years hurting, if I had even lived that long. I could have been a dead boy who never even lived, but now I'm a growing spirit, learning everything that lies right under our noses, the truths that exist with or without our acknowledgement.
Our universe, I think, is kind, so I've been taught.
We never stay in the dark...There always comes a light, if we choose to see it. With each and every lesson I learn as a boy, I love it more and more.
What I love about this.., is the degree of LIGHT that it has in it... I know I'm reading about a revelation that is Fully Developed and I know this will resound deeply with many...
ReplyDeleteHi,
ReplyDeleteMy eighteen-year-old son told us he is gay on Saturday night. I'm so thankful that we had the presense of mind to tell him we love him and always will no matter what... but then he already knew that. He probably wouldn't have told us otherwise.
I'm so sorry you didn't find that kind of acceptance in your life.
As this week has gone on, I've been dealing with a lot of surprising feelings. I've always been very open minded, I have several gay friends, a cousin one year older than me who is gay... it has never been an issue for me. Yet, I feel sad, angry, guilty... and there is no logical reason for it. I'm coming to see that it is not his orientation that's bothering me - I'm mourning a dream.
Of course when my son was born I wanted everything for him to be perfect. It's how parents feel when they look in those brand new eyes. In my mind, perfect meant all the things that make me happiest as well as all the things I've longed for and never had. I projected this path in front of him and envisioned him on it. That's what I'm mourning. Suddenly I've found he is not on that path at all - he has his own dreams and they are just not the ones I considered. So, it will take some time for me to regain my bearings, but I know I will. My husband is having a harder time than I, but he too has told our son that he loves him and always will. I know he will come to terms with this and it will be okay.
When you speak of suicide, I remember my son going through a deperession that completely baffled us, when he was sixteen. It makes sense now. We found a good counselor who works with teens and my son saw him for a short time. Things seemed better after that, but I never did find out what the problem had been. I'm so glad he had someone to talk to, then. I'm sure it's very hard to carry a secret like that when you are already dealing with all the crap one has to go through to make it to adulthood.
Knowing you are okay as you are is the most important thing, but it seems as if you have found that self-love. I'm not gay, but I'm still struggling to find that myself because of my own dysfunctional childhood issues.
I think it's important to realise that there are not easy life paths. We all have struggles and often they are not visible on the surface.
Thankyou for sharing that with me...I'm glad to read that you, AND your husband love and accept your son. This is a time of change for queer people, and there have been many studies shown that sexuality is linked with the make up of our brain construction.
ReplyDeleteI see the homophobic culture being defeated by truth, and understanding.
Queer youth face issues that are not well suited for the average heterosexual adult to recognize and help them thorugh.
Everyone has their own manifestations and 'concepts' from their own childhood...Its often the wise, and loving parent, who knows what NOT to do and what not to say.
From what you tell me, you have been accepting of your son. I hope that he is able to ask and tell you any questions he may have.
Thankyou for reading and responding.
Sincerely,
Boy In The Cycle.